


Loudly Beautiful

by violinbythefire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-02-12 09:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12956064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violinbythefire/pseuds/violinbythefire
Summary: Alec has been feeling insecure lately as he realized just how special Magnus is. As much as he dislikes going to Pandemonium to watch Magnus dance with other people, he dislikes Magnus going without him even more. Maybe this is the catalyst he needs.





	1. Deserving

When people looked at Magnus, it was hard not to be taken aback. The man was drop dead gorgeous after all, but it was more to it than that. Alec figured that even mundanes had to acknowledge the possibility of magic when they laid their eyes on Magnus Bane. The sheer aura of the man was nearly overwhelming. The physical manifestations of his personality, be it the meticulous way he did his hair or the actual glitter he artfully placed on his body, pulled in a captive audience. It was no wonder that men and women alike flocked to him. Magnus, who could have anyone he wanted, should be with someone on his level in terms of aesthetic and power. He should be with someone that built on that.

Alec, on the other hand, was the definition of ‘subtle’ and he was being generous with that word. It was better than ‘drab’ or ‘boring’ or ‘invisible’. When people thought of Magnus, they had to think that the person he was willing to be monogamous with was just as awe-inspiring as he was. After all, the person that was able to earn Magnus’s complete attention had to be on the same level. Alec, who had to be convinced to wear something that was not black or a muted color, was not on that level. No one expected the two of them to be together. The whole Downworlder/Shadowhunter dynamic was the only visibly interesting part of their relationship in the eyes of others. 

Alec had undergone quite enough scrutiny at Pandemonium when their relationship became public. Eyes raked over him. Perhaps to mundanes, Alec might have been able to pull off some semblance of attractiveness. The standard in Magnus’s world was raised exponentially when every patron of the club could pass as GQ models. 

It was not that Alec was shallow. He knew that there was more to a relationship than looks. It was not that. It was not important to him what people thought about him or his relationship with Magnus. All that mattered to him was that Magnus was happy with him. Alec tried not to worry about that. Magnus was so assured in what he wanted. Alec, who almost married someone because he was terrified of speaking up for himself, was not. Magnus would have no issue in expressing any discontent. 

He most certainly would not be wallowing on a couch in self pity.

Still, it was better than wallowing at a bar. Couch was always a better option. It meant that he could be alone with his internal monologue of crushing self doubt. 

Magnus had left almost an hour ago to go to Pandemonium. Alec was not sure why Magnus always wanted to take him along. The night always went the same. Alec would wear something slightly out of his comfort zone while Magnus looked like a shining star. Magnus would speak to more than a dozen people while Alec awkwardly played with the straw in his mixed drink. Magnus would ask Alec to dance and Alec would say no and insist he dance with someone else. Magnus would give in and find several people to dance with. They would go home after a couple of hours and all would be well with the world.

Except this time, things went differently. 

There was no playful pouting on Magnus’s part. He asked Alec if he wanted to go out. When Alec said ‘no’, he accepted it. He kissed him, said he would be back later and left. Alec had been stunned by the exchange. Sure, he had no desire to go out, but still…it would be nice for Magnus to put in a little more effort into coaxing him. That was part of the night.

So, more than forty five minutes had passed on the couch with Alec watching mindless television and petting a sleeping Chariman Meow. He continuously checked his phone, hoping he had not missed a call or a text from Magnus asking him to come out. They weren’t one of those couples that continuously had to be together, but it felt strange that Magnus was at a club while Alec was at home. Magnus was out dancing. And drinking. With people. With gorgeous people. Who wouldn’t pass at a chance to spend time with Magnus. 

“What do you think, Chairman?” Alec sighed as the cat’s eyes sleepily opened. The cat stretched out in his lap, disinterested in whatever petty problems his owner’s boyfriend was facing on a Friday night. “I mean…I’m wide awake. I could just…show up…right? I mean, he asked me to come so he must have wanted me to come…and it’s a public place…kind of…I can just show up…surprise him…”

Chairman Meow blinked his eyes at him with a bored and unimpressed look. Alec smiled slightly as he moved his finger underneath the cat’s chin to scratch him. Chairman Meow leaned forward, his eyes slowly shutting as he began to purr. “Or I could…I could just not go and say yes next time. Like what boyfriends are supposed to do…Good boyfriends anyway.”

The cat opened his eyes once more as though to say ‘I’ll listen to your pitiful woes as long as you keep scratching me’. 

“I’m being a good boyfriend other than that, right?” Alec asked, letting out a nervous sigh, “I mean, just because I do not want to go out every weekend does not mean I’m being a bad boyfriend.”

The sudden vibration from his phone made him jump. Chairman Meow tensed and jumped off Alec’s lap. He landed gracefully on the floor, hissing at Alec for the disrespectful action, before running away. Meanwhile, Alec scrambled to pull his phone out of his jeans pocket to look at the notification. He uncontrollably smiled at the text from Magnus before he read it.

‘Don’t wait up, darling. Have a good night. Love you.’

Magnus had always been respectful of the fact that Alec worked early and long hours at the Institute. Even on the weekends, Alec had difficulty staying up late or sleeping in. When they did go out, they were usually back home by midnight, if not earlier. Alec’s stomach twisted at the text. Magnus was probably enjoying the first true night of freedom to do what he wanted. He could stay out as late as he pleased with whoever he wanted. 

No…He was reading far too into this. Magnus would be home eventually and the two of them could talk. This could be solved. 

But the insecurity was eating away at his rationality, threatening him. He hesitantly texted Magnus back.

‘Stay out of trouble. Love you too.’


	2. Raspberry

Sitting on the couch had become rather boring and tedious after a while. He had nothing to busy himself with so he proceeded to more or less clean Magnus’s place from top to bottom. Chairman Meow would follow Alec from room to room, swishing his tail as he watched the man scrub down surface after surface. It was not a new sight, which was why the distraction only lasted two hours. The apartment was just as clean as it was the last time Alec had distracted himself.

Alec had wound up in Magnus’s bed a little after midnight. He was tired and he figured that sleeping was better than going over the anxiety bubbling in the back of his mind. It did not take long before the cat to join him on the foot of the bed. The apartment was quiet, the sheets were clean, it was late at night. It should have been easy for Alec to drift to sleep. Yet something felt out of place. Alec did not need to be particularly bright to know it was because Magnus was not there. It scared Alec how quickly he had gotten used to being with Magnus. 

Minutes ticked by and Alec was no closer to sleep. He was trapped into consciousness with nowhere to turn but to his thoughts. 

When Alec had to stay at the Institute, did Magnus feel the same way? Was it just as difficult to fall asleep? Alec did not think so. Magnus may yearn for him, but he had to be above the simple, almost childish, need to be close to the one he loved all the time. Magnus was not clingy.

It was remarkable actually how well put together Magnus was. Alec knew about the tragedy of his childhood and the fleeting relationships. The fact that he suffered at the hands of his mother, his stepfather and even his own conception and still managed to welcome new people into his life was extraordinary. Alec would have shut the world out if that was him. Hell, he only went through a tenth of the misery Magnus suffered in his own childhood, and he was still a withdrawn, self conscious mess. 

Could he be blamed? Could he honestly be blamed? His parents had expectations that exceedingly grew with each milestone that Alec passed. Whenever he achieved a goal, the finish line was moved further and further away. All he wanted was Maryse or Robert to smile and say ‘Alec, you did great’. At the best, he would get a nod or lukewarm praise. It was enough for him. It was all he needed to continue to aim to please. Other people’s parents had no issue with showing their love. Alec remembered being young and being around other children. As rare as it was, Alec was able to recall the almost alien sight of mothers and fathers hugging their sons and daughters. They looked at their children as though they were the greatest thing ever made. Earnest praise rang out.

What was wrong with him that his parents would not give him what he craved? Were the tasks they were giving him actually simple things? Was he that much of a failure that they could not even muster faking a ‘good job’?

Of course, Alec knew that it was not true. He knew, now, that his parents were stringent with their kind words because they weren’t merely raising children. They were preparing soldiers. It was justified. 

With his self-efficacy being rather limited and his self-esteem wavering depending on his mood, it should not be a surprise for Alec to have insecurity regarding his first serious relationship. Suspicion was the first thing Alec felt when Magnus ever doted on him. Why was he doing that? What did he want? It had gotten worse since they began to have sex on a regular basis. Magnus was rather vocal about what he liked, which according to him meant that anything Alec did. That did not make sense. Alec was inexperienced. Magnus had hundreds of years to know what to do with 17,000 other people. Alec highly doubted he had any sort of raw talent or that he was so aesthetically pleasing to warrant the slew of admirations leaving Magnus’s mouth. 

Chairman Meow jumped down from the bed, distracting Alec from his internal monologue. He heard the cat quickly rush to the living room before the sound of a portal opening hit his ears. Alec picked up his phone on the end table and saw that it was almost three in the morning. He let out a huff. Nice work, Alec, three entire hours thinking about yourself and you’ve accomplished nothing. 

He heard Magnus coo at Chairman Meow, his words slightly slurred. Good, he was not very drunk. Though, Alec quickly corrected himself, Magnus could drink as much as he liked as long as he stayed safe. Alec set his phone back on the end table and settled back into the bed. He shut his eyes and tried to control his breathing to feign sleep.

It did not take long for Magnus to make his way into the bedroom. Alec heard him walk to Alec’s side of the bed. Then he felt a pair of lips brush against his forehead and tender fingers moving along his hair. Alec all but swooned at the gesture, all thoughts of the night leaving his mind with that act of affection. Magnus walked away from the bed and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The shower turned on soon after. All Alec was left with was the smell of Magnus’s cologne.

And raspberries?

Magnus had enough bottles of cologne that he could probably fill his massive bathtub with the liquid. None of them however, smelled like sweet fruit. That was too feminine, even for Magnus. That had to be a ladies’ perfume. And the only way Magnus was able to get that smell on him was if he was close to a woman. Well, of course he was close to a woman. He probably danced with one. Or two. Or several. Men as well. 

But the other times they went out, no one’s perfume or cologne ever stuck to Magnus like that. At least, Alec didn’t think so. Before his mind went down a particularly dark tunnel, Chairman Meow jumped on the bed and distracted Alec from his thoughts. The cat mewled before trotting over to the empty spot on Alec’s pillow and attempted to sit down. Alec shooed the cat away, but to Chairman Meow’s indignation. “Ow!” Alec hissed out when the cat bit him before running off. 

At this point, the shower shut off. Rather than continuing the fight with the cat, Alec opted to return to ‘sleep’ again. Maybe if Magnus got in bed, he would actually be able to ease himself into unconsciousness. It was not long when the door to the bathroom opened and Magnus made his way to the bed. Alec immediately felt at ease when the bed dipped under Magnus’s weight. The fact that the scent of raspberries was gone was icing on the cake. Alec could not help but sneak a peek at the man. He let his eyes open and adjust to the darkness. He could see the outline of his partner’s body in the bed. 

Not many people got to see Magnus like this. No jewelry, no extravagant clothing, no copious amounts of hair product and make up. Magnus was just as lovely and beautiful. It was like seeing the holy grail. The legend and the aura was wondrous enough but to see the reality was heart stopping.


	3. Waffles

By the time Alec woke up, his head was pounding with a stress headache. Already dreading the morning ahead, Alec grumbled before turning over and rolling right into another body. The body shifted beside him before soft fingers ran through Alec’s hair. “Morning…” a loving and sleepy voice mumbled. 

Alec’s eyes blinked opened and he took in where he was currently positioned. His head was on Magnus’s shoulder and the warlock was looking at him with bleary eyes. Magnus was still stroking his hair with his right hand and Alec could not help but lean into his touch, “Good morning,” He murmured, wondering why his head was pounding as though he was hungover. He closed his eyes and nuzzled into Magnus, hoping that he could go back to sleep. Sleeping was better than suffering after all. 

“Darling?” Magnus murmured, prompting Alec out of his dozy mood. 

“Mmmm?” Alec sighed, burying himself further into Magnus, finding happy spot for his head under his chin.

“You’re lying on my arm,” Magnus pointed out, moving his arm that was currently trapped under Alec for good measure. Alec was suddenly fully aware of the limb that was currently under his torso. 

“Oh,” Alec mustered out in concern, rolling off Magnus so that he was now lying on his back. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Magnus adjusted himself so that he was now sitting instead of lying down. He stretched his arms, yawning quietly. Alec watched in rapt attention, his eyes trailing along Magnus’s bare chest up to his face. Make up only accented the perfectly sculpted face. Alec enjoyed seeing his boyfriend with and without the accessories. “You’re beautiful,” Alec blurted out, unable to stop the compliment leaving his lips. 

Magnus looked at him with amusement dancing in his eyes, “You are very kind.” He placed his hand on Alec’s cheek and ran his thumb along the corner of Alec’s mouth. 

Despite wanting nothing more than to melt into his lover’s hand, Alec still possessed lingering questions. 

Why did you smell like raspberries? Why did you come back so late? Why didn’t you try harder to convince me to come with you? 

Alec was not going to ruin this happy morning with those questions. He swallowed those feelings much as he did with most of the thoughts and feelings he had. The combination of his head pounding and the repressed inquiries made it difficult for Alec to smile at Magnus. 

Magnus frowned in concern, “Are you feeling alright, Alexander?” 

Alec was not good at putting on a happy and at ease front. Magnus was far better at that then he was. Alec was better at hiding behind his skills and progress. Like a wounded animal, he was better at hiding so he could lick his wounds. There was nowhere to hide in Magnus’s bed with the warlock looking at him with such care and affection. 

“Just a headache,” Alec told him, not quite lying. 

You would have thought that Alec had told Magnus that he had broken his arm. Magnus made a small, distressed noise as he moved his fingers from Alec’s cheek to his temple. “I can fix that in a moment with my magic or I can whip up a potion,” He offered, quickly. 

“It’s alright,” Alec replied, automatically. The concept of anyone taking care of him made him twist with discomfort. He took care of others. He did not like it when anyone exerted their time or energy on him.

Magnus wrinkled his nose, “You silly Shadowhunters and your martyrdom. It’ll just take a second…” He attempted to persuade Alec. 

Alec could sense magic pooling at Magnus’s fingertips and he moved back from his touch, “It’s fine. Don’t waste your energy.” But it was too late, he could already feel his headache fade away almost immediately. 

“There we go…” Magnus murmured, a slight smile forming on his face. “Do you feel better?” After Alec nodded, the warlock removed his fingers from Alec’s temple. 

“Did you have fun last night?” Alec mustered out, knowing that the questions would continue to bother him. He watched as Magnus’s eyes flashed with an indescribable emotion before Magnus waved his hand carelessly.

“It was a good night. Too crowded for my tastes,” Magnus answered. Alec waited for some form of elaboration and was confused when Magnus had trailed off into silence. Alec opened his mouth in order to follow up and was instead cut off. “You know what? I’m hungry,” Magnus mused as he turned away, “I’m craving waffles. How about you, Alexander? Waffles?” 

Alec did not care for being dismissed so quickly. He did not answer at first. He moved into the sitting position and nodded, “Waffles sound good.” He was not in the mood for anything that heavy or rich, but he was not going to turn his nose up at Magnus’s offer. As soon as he gave his approval, a tray appeared over his lap with a plate of waffles on top. Thankfully there only appeared to be a limited amount of syrup covering the waffles. But it did not take long for Alec to find something distasteful about the dish. Sliced raspberries were embedded into the waffles. Alec glanced over at Magnus to see that the man had already started cutting into his breakfast.

He should honestly leave well enough alone. He was reading too far into this. Alec slowly picked up his eating utensils and began to eat the waffles. The sweet, tart taste of the raspberries invoked the harsh memory of the night before. As Alec ate in silence, he could only think about the perfume he smelled last night. Images flashed through his mind. Magnus was dancing at the club with an irresistible look about him. Alec was quite familiar with such a sight. Some beautiful woman, a Downworlder with at least comparable looks and power would approach Magnus. They would start dancing and with each beat they would move closer to each other. Then-

“Alexander?”

Alec turned to Magnus when he was called, “Yeah?” He hated how small his voice sounded in the moment. He was just trying to hide the fact that he was more or less imagining how Magnus cheated on him last night. This was all despite the fact that Magnus had not given him any reason to doubt him. He was being unreasonable. Maybe Magnus did dance with a woman. Maybe she was wearing too much potent perfume. Maybe that was why Magnus still smelled like someone else after leaving the club. That was a logical, simple conclusion. 

“Are you sure everything is okay? You’re quieter than usual,” Magnus pointed out, a hint of worry in his voice.

If Alec did not feel tense and unsure before, he did now. He caused Magnus to feel worried about him. It was not necessary. “I’m okay,” He stated, making sure he smiled as he said it. He looked at Magnus and saw that the warlock did not look convinced. But Magnus was not going to press him. He was grateful for that. 

The silence was beginning to become unbearable. Alec knew that he was the cause of the tension. He had to say something. “I like the raspberries,” Alec commented, wincing as he realized the clumsy words that left his mouth.

“Aren’t they delicious?” Magnus perked up, more than happy to carry on this conversation. Magnus began what sounded like an interesting story regarding raspberry rose wine and a French client of his. Normally Alec would love to listen. He always found Magnus’s stories fascinating. But the intrusive thoughts returned as Alec began to push his food around on his plate with his fork. The anxiety was creeping inside him, threatening to grow.

“We should go out tonight,” Alec stated, fully aware that he interrupted Magnus during his story. He looked at his boyfriend who was in turn looking at Alec with surprise. 

“Oh? Sure. Where to, darling?” Magnus asked, handling Alec’s slight rudeness with grace and civility, “We could go to-“

“Pandemonium,” Alec answered for him, watching as Magnus’s eyes widened in surprise and intrigue. Alec let out a breath that he did not know he was holding before he changed the subject, “Now, what were you saying about Versailles?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the subscriptions, the kudos and the lovely comments!


	4. Dress Up

It was early evening when Alec found himself standing in the walk in closet that he semi-shared with Magnus. The warlock had an appointment with a client so Alec had segregated himself in the bedroom while Magnus finished his work. Alec had slowly begun to move several of his things into Magnus’s room. At first, it was a few changes of clothes for when he slept over. Now, Magnus had gone out of his way to make room for Alec’s things. Whether it was clearing a shelf for Alec’s books or clearing off the bathroom counter for Alec’s products, Magnus made Alec feel welcome without saying a word. 

Alec had used his time away from Magnus trying to figure out what he was going to wear tonight. Usually, it was not much of a thought. It was Magnus usually who tutted and rummaged through his clothes to find something for him to wear. Clucking like a mother hen, Magnus dressed and redressed Alec in several different outfits, playfully distressing over the fact that Alec would not let him take him shopping. Not tonight. Alec knew that it was not his boyfriend’s responsibility to dress him out of all things. He should figure out what he should wear out to a club. So there he stood in the walk in closet, staring at his collection of black, navy and gray shirts. Out of his peripheral vision, he could not help but stare at Magnus’s collection of vibrant and expensive clothing. The man pulled off every material and color in existence. 

A pair of bright red skinny jeans stood out, piquing Alec’s interest. The pair of jeans were folded neatly, but forgotten in a corner of Magnus’s side of the closet. He reached over and ran his fingers along the material, thinking about how he had seen Magnus in this particular pair one or two times. Unlike most of the pants Magnus wore, these looked like they fit him comfortably. Not that Magnus didn’t look great, but there was no possible way that anyone could be comfortable in jeans that looked painted on. Maybe, just maybe, these jeans could fit him. Magnus would not mind. After all, he had not seen Magnus in them for a long time. Maybe they were forgotten.

It didn’t take long to undress. Alec took the jeans out of the corner and unfolded them, looking over the fit. He slipped them on, shimmying his body into the jeans like he had seen his sister do so many times before. He was pleasantly surprised only to find slight resistance. He felt as though he probably couldn’t get away with much moving or sitting during the day’s duration, but they fit. 

Once the jeans were zipped, Alec looked at himself in the full scale mirror, making sure that he looked decent. He probably was only a few inches taller than Magnus which probably accounted for the cuff being higher on his leg. He could probably throw on a pair of boots to cover it. He had a pair of leather boots that he could wear. Now, what was left to worry about was what he was going to wear for a top.

Magnus had all sort of shirts and jackets of varying colors that more likely than not were bought from boutiques in places like Paris, Tokyo or Milan. Magnus was not as broad in the chest as Alec and he liked to wear his shirts fitted. Alec was more hesitant in trying on one of Magnus’s shirts. But what other choice did he have? There was something almost blasphemous regarding the idea that he tossed on one of his old shirts when he was wearing the very nice jeans. Alec looked through Magnus’s many shirts, hoping to find something close to plain. He was not quite too confident in wearing one of his more flamboyant tops.

It did not take long for Alec to find himself in a tight white top and a purple leather jacket. He had no idea whether a purple leather jacket went with red jeans. That was a question for his sister. But it was one of the few jackets that fit him properly. He did not have as much luck in that regard as he did with the jeans. Dressed, Alec left the closet, hoping that he would get Magnus’s approval.

Alec could still hear Magnus discussing with his client in clipped, annoyed tones about the quality of his product. A wave of protectiveness came over Alec at the idea that someone was disgruntled with Magnus’s work. The man would scowl in annoyance, but he would overwork himself to satisfy some ungrateful nobody. Did they not know that they were in the presence of one of the finest people to ever wield magic? There should be a little bit more respect.

Deciding that Magnus would not be terribly pleased with Alec running his client out of the apartment like a snarling dog defending his territory, Alec decided to busy himself further in the bedroom. He glanced back at the mirror in the walk in closet, not particularly secure about what he was wearing. Maybe it was the way his shoulders slouched or the annoyed scowl on his face. Maybe he just needed something more, something extra. 

That was how he found himself wandering into the bathroom and eyeing Magnus’s make up collection. Growing up with Isabelle, Alec was subject to two things. The first thing was terrible cooking that he would spit into the napkin the second her eyes looked away. The second thing was Isabelle practicing her make up technique on Alec’s face. The moment she was complete, no matter how much cooing Isabelle did, he scrubbed the make up off his face and never looked in the mirror. Maybe Alec had soaked in the technique and could use it now. 

Sharing clothes was one thing that Magnus may forgive. Make up was another thing. Alec rummaged through Magnus’s incredibly large make up kit, wondering how anyone could possibly need that amount of foundation. He finally found an unopened eyeshadow pallet, mascara and eyeliner. The eyeliner went on first…Right? He went to take the wrapping off of the eyeliner, holding back a choke at the price staring back at him. Having no confidence to do any sort of ‘wing’, Alec made a simple line across the top and bottom lids of his eyes. Then went on the eyeshadow. Alec picked black, remembering Isabelle tell him that black went with everything. Maybe that was why he picked it. Maybe a color like red or gold would make him stand out more. But he did not want to stand out. He just wanted to look nice for Magnus. 

In mid stroke, Alec set down the eye brush, staring at himself in the mirror. He should have his own things. His own nice clothes and his own make up. He and Magnus should be doing their make up side by side. 

Before he started to spiral down a dangerous path, Alec remembered one of their first true dates. Both of them worried that they were too different for the other. They did not need to be the same, either. Some part of Alec, the sliver of confidence reminded Alec that if Magnus wanted a beautiful, presentable person at their side, that was who he would have.

Then the self doubt spoke. ‘He does have that person’. 

Anger at that voice in his head and at himself fueled Alec’s energy as he finished making up his face. The make up did bring out the color of his eyes. He looked decent. He would not overshadow Magnus, but he would look like he belonged. Maybe people would look at the two of them and see why Magnus had chosen Alec as his current partner instead of wondering what Alec brought to the table besides novelty. 

The sound of a door opening pulled Alec out of his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder to see Magnus walking into the bedroom, tutting under his breath about ‘impatient werewolves’ when he suddenly stopped. Alec and Magnus’s eyes met and Alec gave him a hesitant smile. He waited for approval from Magnus like he did with every other important figure in his life. 

“Alexander!”

Alec thought his heart was going to burst when he saw Magnus grinning at him. Magnus made his way to Alec, still smiling as he ran his fingers over the jacket, “Oh don’t you look gorgeous?” Alec preened at the praise. “I wish you told me that you wanted to dress up for tonight. I would have taken you shopping. Not that I mind you borrowing my things,” Magnus stated with that beautiful smile on his face, the ‘only for Alec’ smile. “I can’t wait to show you off,” the warlock teased lightly, not aware of how the words might affect his boyfriend. 

‘Show off’…Had Magnus ever said anything like that to him before? He did not think so. Alec felt his mind sadden at the idea that his insecurities being confirmed and his heart jump at the idea of being someone Magnus could be proud of. The emotions conflicted with each other, causing his stomach to twist. “So, you like it?” Alec asked, needing that validation from Magnus.

“Of course,” Magnus assured him, moving to wrap his arms around Alec. “Your eyeliner is a little crooked, but you did an excellent job. You should do it more.” 

Alec took note of Magnus’s remark, filing it into his mind as a request.


	5. Bedlam

As nice as Alec looked, he knew that Magnus would look better. It was the goal that Alec would get closer to his level, never outshine him. Not that he was at a real risk of doing that. So Alec patiently sat on Magnus’s bed with Chairman Meow in his lap as Magnus made a tornado out of his walk in closet. He could not quite watch him from the angle so he had missed Magnus undressing. Magnus had decided on a dark purple shirt with a defined V-neck that reached down to the middle of his abdomen. The shirt was an easy decision, the pants were not. Whenever Magnus left the closet to show Alec one of his choices, his eyes couldn’t look away from the man. This was especially true when he finally decided on wearing a pair of tight, black jeans. He emerged from the closet, asking Alec’s opinion as though the archer would offer anything other than ‘absolutely stunning’ as feedback.

Magnus went on about which shirt he should wear and all the while Alec could only study the contours of his boyfriend’s body. His gaze would linger on Magnus’s chest as he snuck glances at the man’s jeans. He could not possibly have room for any underwear. Alec was overcome with the urge to say ‘fuck it’ to going out. He wanted nothing more than to pull Magnus on the bed with him and spend the night in his arms. Magnus always made him feel good. He went out of his way to make Alec feel comfortable, wanted, loved and adored. 

Alec needed it, but he would not risk it. He knew that he had been clingy lately in these intimate matters. As the insecure thoughts populated his mind, he could see in retrospect that he had pushed himself further into Magnus’s life. The moment he could be freed from work, he would race to his boyfriend’s home. Intimate moments became more and more frequent and the length of cuddling afterward grew longer. It was like being dependent on drugs. Alec chased Magnus, not because he wanted to feel like a ray of sunshine all of the time, but because he wanted to feel right in his own skin.

“Alexander? Come in, Alexander.”

Alec blinked his eyes as he realized that he had not answered Magnus when he asked him about the jeans. “They look great…Just like the other pants you tried on,” Alec said, extending his hand out to Magnus as the man walked forward. Magnus’s hand took Alec’s, squeezing him gently. 

As Magnus approached, Chairman Meow stood up on Alec’s lap and nudged his head forward to bump against Magnus’s hand around Alec’s. “Jealous boy,” Magnus tutted as he used his free hand to pet the cat. He addressed Alec again, their eyes meeting. “Is everything okay?” Magnus asked.

The question surprised him. “Of course,” Alec answered automatically. Magnus did not look too convinced. He looked like he wanted to say something, even as his eyes turned to Chairman. 

Keeping secrets had not served the two men well. If Magnus had picked up on the fact that Alec was obscuring something from him, he would only bring it up again. He would treat Alec differently and he did not want that. Part of being partners meant that there was a steady foundation of trust. Alec trusted Magnus with his life, his body and his heart. He could also trust him with the thoughts in his head. All this was thinking logically. And in these matters, one rarely thinks that way.

Yet Alec sat there in the safest place in the world. He was in Magnus’s apartment, away from the threats of disappointment and pain. “Babe?” He started, hating how his voice was beginning to shake without having even spoken a complete sentence. 

Deciding that he did not need to be there for this strange human display, Chairman Meow jumped down, unnoticed, from Alec’s lap and went to seek out where Church had hid himself. Magnus barely gave the cat a second glance as he went to sit down next to Alec.

In that moment, Alec froze. What was he supposed to say? ‘You overwhelm me with your sheer perfection and I do not deserve you’? How was Magnus supposed to respond to that? What could he do that would not involve changing himself? 

Maybe Alec should ask about last night. His self doubt emerged as he realized what a risk he would be taking. Magnus had been destroyed by someone who cheated on him and used him. He would never do it to anyone. Alec was looking far too into what happened last night. 

“Darling? You’re worrying me,” Magnus murmured as he placed his hand on Alec’s cheek, making the shadowhunter face him. His eyes ran over Alec with concern, as though he could figure out exactly what was bothering his boyfriend if he looked hard enough. Alec bit his lip, unhappy that he caused Magnus any distress. He must have seen the guilt flickering across Alec’s face because he pulled back and asked, a bit of panic in his voice, “What is it?”

Alec was truly happy that he was a proficient shadowhunter, because if he was not, he would not be good in any aspect of his life. Feeling like a bad boyfriend, Alec quickly tried to resolve the situation, “It’s nothing. It’s…” He let himself trail off as Magnus scowled at him in disbelief. Before Magnus could scold Alec for thinking he could lie to him, Alec blurted out, “You’re not cheating on me.”

Magnus pulled back and stared at Alec as though he grew a second head. Bewildered, his mouth gaped open before he slowly stated, “No…I’m not…” He opened his mouth, as though to speak, as Alec wondered if Magnus’s bed could swallow him whole. “…Did I do something to make you think that I was?” Magnus questioned, the tempo returning to his voice. 

“You…” Alec started, the words he wished to use tickling in the throat of his mouth. He could feel his cheeks redden with embarrassment. “No…Of course not.”

“…” Magnus looked at him with concern that was near bordering on alarm. There was no doubt in Alec’s mind that he had very much confused his boyfriend, especially if he was innocent of the accusations in Alec’s mind. As if he was suddenly turned on, Magnus reached for Alec’s hands and held them tightly, “Sweetheart,” He began, with a distressed tone. Hearing Magnus made Alec feel worse, if that was even possible. “You are the only one who holds my heart, whose body drives me crazy. I would never, ever hurt you in that way. Whatever I have done to make you feel any different, please let me know.” Magnus was staring at him with pleading eyes, practically giving Alec permission to tell him what happened.

Yet Alec did not tell him the truth. He did not utter a word about the insecurity that slowly took over his thoughts. “I know,” He told Magnus and tried to smile, “It was silly…It was just a moment of doubt.” Magnus did not look entirely convinced by Alec’s explanation. He looked like he wanted dig deeper, to find out what Alec was hiding from him. Thankfully, Magnus appeared to drop it for the moment. 

The warlock leaned forward and the two exchanged a kiss. Magnus let go of Alec’s hands as he ended the kiss too soon for Alec’s liking. He got off the bed , “I need to get my make up and hair done,” he said, his words distracted. With a snap of his fingers the mess in his closet disappeared and the discarded clothing was back in place. He walked into the bathroom, now fully out of Alec’s line of sight.

***

Pandemonium was busy as always. Alec took a look around the throng of people drinking and moving along to the music. He did not have a moment to observe his surroundings before Magnus took him by his hand. Alec glanced at Magnus, returning the smile the warlock was bestowing on him. “Dance with me?” Magnus requested, his eyes sparkling in the twinkling lights of the club. The conversation between the two had been sparse following the strange conversation, but now it appeared that things were beginning to be back to normal. 

Alec would rather go on a five hour patrol than dance. He never felt secure in his own body during the few times that he danced with Magnus. He never quite understood the rhythm. The anxiety would bubble in his chest until he became unbearable. Usually, Alec had no problem with denying Magnus and watching him dance. Even with others, Magnus was such an illuminating force that Alec did not see the men and women that draped themselves over him. It was as though everyone faded into shades of gray as Magnus moved about so beautifully. This was especially true this night. Magnus had added blonde highlights to his hair. His eyeliner and eyeshadow was a sparkling mixture of gold and purple. Copious amounts of glitter covered his exposed chest. 

Now, Alec had found himself in a dark place. His internal dialogue insisted that he at least try to indulge his partner’s wishes. “Of course,” He told Magnus. He was reassured when Magnus’s smile turned into a large, surprised grin. The anxiety dampened as Magnus led him to the dance floor. Everyone noticed Magnus and moved out of his way. Alec wanted to puff his chest out in pride at the amount of power and influence his boyfriend had. And the additional fact that he was lucky enough to be in his sphere of interest. The feelings of confidence and contentment subsequently lessened as Magnus’s arms wrapped around his waist and his body began to move to the music. Alec tried to mimic Magnus’s movement, hoping that being a mirror image would save himself from any further embarrassment. 

“Everyone is looking at us,” Magnus told him, his voice easily distinguished despite the loud music, “The sexiest people in all of Pandemonium.” He laughed as his hands ran down Alec’s back. Alec blushed at his words and glanced around them to see that there were quite a few people looking at them. And some were looking at Alec specifically. Rather than accepting Magnus’s words, Alec could only believe that the patrons of the club were thinking things such as ‘It’s about time Magnus’s man dressed up for him’. 

Now, it would be a complete and utter lie to say that Alec was relaxed at this point. However, he could feel the tension ease out of his body. It would almost as though he had not been on uneven ground earlier that day. Alec’s heart jumped as Magnus moved even closer to him. “Go sit down, I’m going to get us some drinks,” Magnus told him with a smile, indicating the lounge.

There was something odd about the request. Alec was not sure if it was his tone or the content. But Alec nodded, exchanging a quick kiss with Magnus as they both left the dance floor. He kept his eye on Magnus, already seeing that he was not going in the direction of the bar. Magnus walked along the wall of the club in his typical High Warlock of Brooklyn stance. Powerful, straightforward, dripping with dark sexuality. Alec looked over to the lounge and back to Magnus. Curiosity bubbled inside his chest, bringing back to queasy feeling he had experienced earlier in the day. And Alec knew that waiting for Magnus would only worsen the feeling. 

Well, if Magnus was going to take a detour to get drinks, then maybe Alec could take a detour to the lounge…


End file.
